Dear Science,

I am but a humble man, an Engineer of sorts. I realize that in the rarified world of theoreticals, being a technological doesn’t carry much status. At the cocktail parties of science, I will be served the well Scotch, and not the single malts from the top shelf. Nevertheless, I have something to ask of you, and beg just a moment of your attention.

I have become convinced that science, by which I mean you scientists, is intent on destroying the human race. Please stop this. I am not referring to intractable flesh golems when I say this. Nor do I mean trying to prove that Black Holes exist by creating them right in the middle of United States, my goodness what could possibly go wrong with that.

I’m not against the accidental Icarus-style destruction associated with flying too high, delving too deep. This is how races are supposed to be snuffed out of existence. What I am referring to is the systematic intent to destroy humanity.

Exhibit A: Female Orgasm Electrode Implants

Meloy’s study, published in 2006 in the journal Neuromodulation, reported that 10 out of 11 of the patients felt pleasurable stimulation from the device, including increased vaginal lubrication. Five of the women had previously lost their ability to have orgasms; four regained it with the device. (The fifth never used her device during the nine-day trial because of work stress, she said.)

Exhibit B: Furniture-Moving Robots

The authors show how coordinated pushing by robots can change the pose (position and orientation) of objects and then they ask whether planning, global control, and explicit communication are necessary for cooperatively changing the pose of objects.

Exhibit C: Stopping Evolution

In 1998, scientists discovered an enzyme, telomerase, that had the astonishing ability to “immortalize” certain kinds of cells that normally died within a short time. When that discovery was announced to the public, the press put an almost inevitable spin on it: aging was about to become an artifact of the past. Never mind that the scientists in question never claimed that telomerase had anything to do with the lifespan of humans: the discovery became a story because it appealed to our ancient interest in cheating death and living forever. A huge, lucrative industry now caters to that interest, offering the public pills, potions, and powders that are meant to reverse and undo the effects of aging.

As if men didn’t have enough to worry about, our two main functions have been wiped away with Exhibits A and B. Our tertiary role, that of continuance of the species, is mopped up by Exhibit C. Obviously, science, you don’t know the first thing about being a man.

Fuck you, science.